"I call your bluff, creationists can't play poker"

by Michael E. Suttkus, II

© 2004 Michael Stuttkus, II. Used by permission.

Original post:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/EvolveCreate/
message/24934

From: Michael Suttkus

Date: June 8, 2004

Subject: I call your bluff, creationists can't play poker

"tinroad66" wrote: > I'd love to know if he can say that with a straight face. > He might be able to. These creationists would make good > poker players.

They have other flaws which would hinder it. Indeed, this is a transcript of the last poker game I played with some creationist friends of ours.

Me: "Okay, my deal, seven card stud." [Deals.]

Laurie Appleton: "You dealt two cards face down."

Me: "Yes, two face down, four up, then one down. That's seven card stud."

Laurie: "Nonsense, professional poker player Bobby Fischer clearly referred to 'hole card' in the singular when he said..."

Me: "Bobby Fischer played chess."

Laurie: "It's so sad when you have to present irrelevant nonsense against unassailable facts."

Me: "Bobby Fischer was a professional chess player. He played Chess, not poker."

Laurie: "Then why would he have been talking about hole cards? You're clearly reaching."

Me: "It's dealer's choice and I'm dealing it this way. Shut up."

Archomaidiot: "Another clear example of EVILutionist OPPRESSION of opposing ideas! They must CENSOR when LOGIC is against them! They stand against all free exchange of IDEAS, to SUPPRESS TRUTH."

Me: "So, the reason I can't post on your forum is what exactly, archomai?"

Archomaidiot: "I'm Jonathan David Stein."

Me: "Of course you are. Jabby's queen is the highest card showing, he bets first."

Jabby: {incoherent gibbering}

Hopeful Monster [HM]: "Nonsense, I have the highest card showing."

Jabby: {gleeful incoherent gibbering}

Me: "You're showing a three. Queens are higher than threes, Hopeful."

HM: "Another unsupported assertion! I have an ace showing. In fact, decks of cards don't have threes so they don't even exist. And I'm Kimmbe."

Me: "Of course you are. That card there, in front of you, is a three. If it was an ace, there would be an 'A' on it, 'kimmbe'. It has a three on it and that makes it a three, so threes exist."

HM: "The existence of threes does not show that threes exist. And I'm BrownElks."

Me: "Of course you are. Look, Jabby has a queen *and* a consistent name, argue with him."

Jabby: {Authoritative incoherent gibbering.}

HM: "But... er... I can't understand him."

Me: "Yeah, who'd have guessed his spelling was just an accurate presentation of his pronunciation."

Jabby: {Angry incoherent gibbering.}

Me: "Talk with the chips."

Jabby: He stares at a yellow chip intently for a minute, then throws it at Vince, who seems unaware that anything happened. He then crumples his cards and eats one.

Me: "Okay... jabby folds... I guess. Vince?"

Vince: "There is no need for me to bet! I will shortly ascend to godhood, so give me your chips now!"

Me: "Yeah, but in the meantime, we're playing cards. Bet."

Vince: "Why? I've already won!" He flips his hole face up. "Ah ha! Victory!"

Me: "That's a two, three and a five. Laurie and I both beat you just with what we're showing."

Vince: "You're a socialist! That's European thinking! You owe money to the natives around the world."

Me: "You owe money to the pot if you want to stay in, but given your cards..."

Vince: "My victory is assured, god is on my side! All your chips are mine!"

Laurie: "God is on MY side heretic!"

Vince: "I AM GOD! I SMITE YOU!"

Laurie sits unsmited.

Vince: "Smite smite smite!"

Laurie sits unsmited.

Me: "Vince, PLEASE. I've asked you repeatedly, answer the question, are you going to bet?"

Vince flees from the question, and the table.

Me: "Fine. Stein, are you going to bet?"

Archomaidiot: "I've already answered that question, and I'm Kurt."

Me: "Of course you are and no you haven't. Betting involves putting chips into the pot."

Archomaidiot: "I've already put my chips in the pot."

Me: "Six players, six chips of ante, six chips in the pot. The pot clearly shows that you haven't bet."

Archomaidiot: "Nonsense! I ask for SCIENCE and all I get is STORYTELLING!"

Me: "Yes, the pot is telling a story, and the story is that you haven't bet. Are you going to bet?"

Archomaidiot: "I've already answered that question."

Me: "Okay, fine, you answered the question already, but the rest of us need it repeated. What was your answer?"

Archomaidiot: "That I've already bet!"

Me: "The pot says otherwise. Can I take it that you've folded?"

Archomaidiot: "I've already answered that question."

Me: "Then you've folded. 'BrownElks'?"

HM: "I'm Darwin's Fool."

Me: "Of course yo..."

Archomaidiot: "I have not folded! I bet!"

Me: "Oh for goodness sakes! You have not bet, there is nothing in the pot but the ante! Show me what chips you bet in the pot? Look, I'll separate the ante from the 'other' chips, one for Laurie, one for jabby, one for Vince, one for you, one for The Collective..."

HM: "I'm JPKnows."

Me: ", and one for me. Oh, look, there's NONE left. Your bet consists of ZERO chips. Zero is not a bet! Where are the chips you bet? Where?"

Archomaidiot gets up and runs from the table.

Laurie: "That's two evolutionists driven off by the evidence!"

Me: "They were both creationists. And don't worry, in a few minutes, they'll be back insisting that they won all the hands when they were here."

HM: "I miss Vince, his politics make so much sense. It really is all a socialist conspiracy. I think I'll sign him up to the Alan Keyes newsletter."

Vince: (from other room) "Alan Keyes is a socialist for once heretically disagreeing with the holy George W. Bush on something! And you're a socialist, too!"

HM: (he runs from the table screaming) "You take that back! YOU TAKE THAT BACK! I'm a black woman, not a socialist!"

Me: "He folds. Fine, I bet five chips. Are you in, Laurie?"

Laurie: "It's clear that you have ADHD, otherwise you would not have mad so foolish a bet."

Me: "I have a jack showing, you're showing an eight. From the table, it doesn't look foolish. If I've got anything at all matching in my hole, I'd be foolish not to bet."

Laurie: "It doesn't look foolish to you because of your evolutionist brainwashing."

Me: "Yes, foolishly, I think high cards are higher."

Laurie: "Famous poker player Dr. Kenny Rogers said, 'You have to know when to hold them' and you clearly don't understand what he meant."

Me: "Look, if I'm so foolish, I'm sure you can't wait to bet against me."

Jabby: He glances left and right, then slides off his chair under the table.

Laurie: "Of course I will bet against your pitiful evolutionist hand, because the creationist had is always victorious, don't you know that even noted evolutionist Niles Eldridge admitted in a quote that Creationists nearly always win?"

"mysterious" voice from other side of table: "Jabriol haz to mutch chip. Heiswin all hand.we mest ban himfrm tble or noene take evol serius!"

Me: "Jabby, get back in your seat."

Jabby: "yu not no is me!"

Me: "Yes I do, get back in your seat."

Jabby: "Is not me, is evotioner!"

Me: "JABBY, GET OUT FROM UNDER THE TABLE AND BACK IN YOUR SEAT!"

Laurie: "We see that evolutionists frequently get angry when their lack of reasoning is exposed. Jabriol, I thought it was horrible when that evolutionist tried to have you banned because you are winning!"

Jabriol:: Returns to his seat. "is cause I wining. evoers like that, like thye like pepel get kiled. Bangbang, all dead, evolers happy. thy not like I shwthem that they like that they like."

Laurie: He tries to interpret that line, his remaining brain cell pops and he gives up. But a creationist said it so, "Yes, I agree with whatever you said completely! And now that I'm winning, I will show how silly evolutionists are!"

Me: "Ah, but you said, jabby was winning."

Laurie: "Noted creationist jabriol said, 'I winning'. I think that clears the matter up."

Me: "But you also said you were winning."

Laurie: "I am winning."

Me: "That contradicts what you said when you said jabriol was winning."

Laurie: "There is no contradiction."

Me: "How can there possibly not be a contradiction between 'Laurie is winning' and 'Jabriol is winning'?"

Laurie: "It would be a good exercise for you to figure that out, sadly your PPP prevents you from understanding."

Me: "Purple spots on my leg do not prevent me from understanding anything."

Laurie: "Then you know that I am winning! Noted evolutionist Niles Eldridge was forced to admit that creationists nearly always win."

Me: "He wasn't talking about poker. He went on to say..."

Jabriol:: "We mused ban jabriol! He is too power!"

Me: "Would you please shut up!"

Jabriol:: "Is bcause I wining!"

Me: "You didn't even bet, you ate a card and threw a chip at Vince."

Jabriol:: "He is mad as I wining"

Laurie: "Yes, and I am also winning, which shows the failure of evolution!"

Me: "NEITHER OF YOU ARE WINNING, I'VE GOT THREE JACKS, YOU'VE GOT A EIGHT SHOWING, SO YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING LESS THAN THREE JACKS, SEE? JABRIOL CAN'T BE WINNING, HE DIDN'T BET AND ONLY HAS TWO CARDS LEFT."

Laurie: "He clearly has ADHD, it's completely addled his brains."

Jabriol:: "Yes, he mad becus I wining, that why they ban me from tabl."

Laurie: "You've been banned? Oh, that's horrible!"

Me: "He's not banned, he's right here!"

Jabriol:: "I am ban, cant play free. Al action ban, but I try anywy, tell truth!"

Laurie: "That's terrible, they must have banned you because you were winning!"

Me: "He isn't banned, he's right there, and he's not winning!"

Laurie: "You can deny it all you want, but noted creationist Dr. Jabriol says..."

Me: "I don't care what anyone says, HE IS RIGHT THERE, so he isn't banned from the table. It's a fact that he's there, facts trump quotes."

Laurie: "But as noted creationist Dr..."

Me: "HE-IS-RIGHT-THERE."

Archomaidiot: "I've come to collect the money I won from all the hands I played!"

Me: "We haven't played any hands yet!"

Jabby: "Thy hav try ban me!"

Archomaidiot: "Nonsense, more STORYTELLING! I won many hands when I was here before."

Me: "But you didn't bet and we haven't even finished the first hand."

Laurie: "It is sad to see someone so unable to admit that they are losing, as noted evolutionist Niles Eldridge admitted evolutionists always do..."

Jabby: "I hve win all hand! That why I ban!"

Laurie: "I have won all the hands, as Niles Eldridge..."

Archomaidiot: "I have won all the hands! All they can counter me with is STORYTELLING, not EMPIRACLE SCIENCE!"

Vince: "I have won all the hands, because I'm god!"

HM: "I have won all the hands, because of Alan Keyes! And you're a child molester!"

Michael Tong: "I have won all the hands because you can't explain how spades evolved from clubs, so space aliens are feeding on suffering caused by cards!"

Paul Allen Panks: "I asked God if I had won all the hands and He said, 'Do you think that you have won all the hands?', so I knew that I had won all the hands."

Eric Wilson: "I won all the hands, but they escaped through the hole in the ozone layer, which is older than scientists will admit."

Greg Brown: "The fact that I have won all the hands is shown conclusively by how evolutionists deny that I have won all the hands."

About a billion creationists: "I'm not a creationist, but I have a question, why is it that the evolutionists aren't winning any of the hands? It's because evilution is a lie! And I'm a creationist who has won all the hands!"

And I see them, an unending stream of creationists, all chanting, "I have won all the hands! I have won all the hands!" It stretches out to infinity. "I have won all the hands!" They keep coming. "I have won all the hands!" I can't stop them all at once! They just keep chanting, "I have won all the hands! I HAVE WON ALL THE HANDS!"

I wake up screaming.